rock stars and joy destroyers: Guns n' Roses (U.S.); Altaar (Norway)

rock stars and anti rock stars: Guns n' Roses (U.S.); Altaar (Norway)

Guns n' Roses: "Chinese Democracy"

I know that everybody seems to have heard this album years ago or whenever it was released, but I had not.

To me, this album sounds like an effort to please the old fans, while attempting to sound current or updated, whatever that means.

For example,"Shackler's Revenge" sounds like industrial L.A. dirty rock, a bit techno, a bit bluesy. It would be inaccurate to say that it's a memorable song, to me. I find it to be very 90s, like blues-rock with a bit of that "alternative" or "industrial-techno" stuff that big, famous bands did.

"If the World" sounds like soccer-mom-and-dad radio light rock. Kind of whiny, nothing too outstanding, but just mellow, background music, but, like I say, with whiny singing. Music for crowded restaurants that need some background sounds going on.

Anyway, here and there is a bit of "rock and roll," but mostly it's a mixed bag of whiny-nasal singing with midtempo songs that don't have much uptempo energy, so, really, not much rocking. I guess millions of people find it to be fun, but my ears are telling me that this is about as exciting as a vegan having to listen to people talk about the different types of steak that they like to eat.

That's what I hear, anyway. Personally, I was pretty bored and I cannot imagine listening to this again. Just a metalhead's perspective, I guess.

Altaar: "Altaar"

And now for something completely different!

I'll just get to the point. Altaar is shoegaze. If you do not like shoegaze, this is where get out of this bus, and wait for the next one.

And for those that are still reading. OK, so, Altaar is not really just "shoegaze," it's a fresh-sounding, new-kids-in-town super, duper, cooper, over-the-top doom and gloom snail sloth music. Now, I know that recently I have been telling you about some death doom bands and other doom bands and all sorts of slow music.

Altaar is beyond funeral doom, beyond slow. Time stands still with this music. Altaar has pushed slow to the absolute limit. If they play any slower, it is because they all just went to sleep standing up onstage.

There are two songs. One is like 19 minutes and the other is some 14 minutes. Supposedly, there are rumors that somewhere in here, somewhere in these songs, there are vocals.

But you might miss them because you might fall asleep listening to this. I have not heard vocals on the first song, which is called "Tidi Kjem Aldri Att." (which means, "We hate having fun and we detest rock and roll and we just want to sleep all day and sleep all night. We hate life.")

And they wait some 4 and a half minutes before the vocals (punk-ish yell-growl) kick in during the second song, which has a long title, but it probably means that they do not like you and they do not like your stupid friends, either. And they think I'm stupid, too. They also hate themselves because they are stupid, too.

This second song has a bit of rocking.

That totally shocked me! I thought it was the end of the world that they did that!

Let's not get too excited, though, because they go right back to the super slow music and everything feels normal, good and happy (depressed) again.

Phew! I'm glad (depressed) that they did not get all uptempo and joyous.

You like slow, really slow music? Altaar is another band that you need, you must check out.

By the way, you might want to consider taking some medication. I think your family and friends are right about you. There is something going on with you and a bit of medication or maybe just talking to a therapist will help you. It's not normal (yes, normal) to sleep all day and sleep all night, you know? There is daylight for a reason.

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