Friday, August 30, 2019

review: Ice Vinland

Ice Vinland
Asgard Steel
Pure Steel Records
30th August 2019
The tribe of Ice Vinland has experienced some serious scourges in their midst and they have almost been wiped out quite a few times, but they always find a way to rebuild their ship and reload with supplies of meat, beer, and lots of cheese for the journeys ahead. Ice Vinland first sailed out in an excursion in 1998, but it wasn’t until 2007 when they sailed again. Then trouble struck once more. Their ship sank and some tribesmen were lost at sea. This is their third excursion. This new excursion is from 2018 but this narration tells the tale as told in 2019 by the merchants of Pure Steel Records based on the mainland of Germania, north of the imperial city of Rome.
This third saga lasts 56 minutes and it contains nine stories of how the heathen gods have brought misery to their lives and how these Vikings continue to feast on meat and massive quantities of cheese to survive in the hostile world of the Canadian frozen tundra where the three pagan demigods Justin Bieber, Drake and Shawn Mendes rule the land’s airwaves with an iron hand of success, wealth and fame of epic proportions.
No matter. The ships of Ice Vinland “beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past,” as the tale goes. These Vikings are addicted to songs that sound victorious, and make other barbarian heathens happy with the merriment that comes from thinking about the big, wild and totally tubular adventures of the ancient dudes.
If these Canadian modern-day pirates of the music scene lived in the Old Continent they would have amassed gold and glory by the buckets. Bucket, bucket. The men on board would be recompensed handsomely because the board man gets paid. Unfortunately for history, posterity and the universe, they sail the seas of lands far away and they need much bigger ships to conquer Europe, but they are not discouraged, only emboldened to continue their quest to bring the Viking power metal to all the generations of Canadians that will be born now, in the future or in the past in the infinite history of the land of ice and snow.
Finally, cranky-pants anti-power metal naysayers must not enter this ship. You enter, you walk the plank. Anti-power metal cynics who reject the power of the power chord, the glory of glorious metal and the true of trueness of heavy metal traditions, with bear skins, swords, furry hats and boots, and the mighty cheese, they dare not raise their flags near this vessel. All fun-loving power metal fanatics who possess at least one eye patch or pirate hat are welcome into this ship. Ahoy, matey Viking pirates of metal, ahoy! Greetings to all, and may the metal force be with you on your journey through the oceans of cheese with Ice Vinland.

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